Monday, November 15, 2010

It's been way too long!

It's been way too long since I last posted! I've been thinking why and I think it might have been the fact that I was trying to post stuff all the way back from when I first got to the States, rather than more recent and interesting stuff.

I've spent the last couple days just thinking about blogs and I actually went back to Google Reader and read the 700+ blog posts that I hadn't read since school started... Google Reader has been my escape from the school world... Things have been a little rough the last couple weeks.

I've had no motivation whatsoever to do things, I've been sad and cranky, and I've been a downer for people around me, especially my boyfriend. He's been great about it, trying to make me feel better and a little more at home. But sometimes, you just need that hug from mom and dad...

I don't even really know what I've been so cranky about, but my guesses are:
  • Stress
  • Lots of work
  • Homesickness (a little bit)
  • Lack of motivation in general (it's been a vicious cycle)
  • Not going to the gym
  • Starting to get as messy as my roommate (that's bad, really bad)
  • Not having as much time for myself as I wish I would (now, I'm making that time at the expense of homework time - not a smart move at all, but I'm hoping it will calm me down and allow me to focus on anything for longer than 5 minutes again)
  • Being indecisive about my majors/minors (I don't even know anymore... - I started out as a Biology major, and just a couple weeks ago I added a Biochemistry major, and then it all fell apart as I started thinking what that really involved, how much work that will be, so I've been talking to people about it, and they all seem to agree that I should drop the Biochemistry major and do a Chemistry minor instead - that might help to take some of the stress away)
  • Being so stressed about grades, not just the amount of work (I hate how GPA is such a big deal, it's like each and every step you take in your college career needs to be thinking about the future and acceptance in grad school, or med school or law school... People have stopped taking classes they like to take classes they think will look good on their transcript. That's not me, I just want to enjoy my college years and learn for the sake of learning, of knowing more, of improving myslef... Spanish class really has got me thinking about it with the Pedagogy of the Opressed of Paolo Freire)
  • Stressing over future internships in the summer (they really recommend that we do a few internships before graduating, so we get experience before actually trying to get in the work place and to see if that is really what we want to do in the future, as well as all the networking advantages that come with an internship)
  • Planning out my schedule for the Spring (I register tomorrow evening and there are only 4 spots left in the Genetics class I have to take to be in good shape to fulfill all the requirements for my major(s), as genetics is a prerequisite for most classes from now on)
I feel like there's just way too much going on right now... I've been going to Career Services presentations/webinars/information sessions on how to find internships, the importance of these... I've been complaining about not going to the gym, or how I haven't done my dishes, or how my room is mess... But I feel like I haven't been doing anything to change that. I feel like I haven't put enough effort into getting things done, which then makes me more depressed. So, this has just been a cycle for two weeks, in which I've started to feel less beautiful, in which I've been mad at myself for not getting things done, for feeling a little depressed and for just sitting in front of work thinking about things that don't make sense.

So, what I want to do is to start being better, getting things done when they need to be done, being productive, being nice to everyone, smiling more, and hopefully, start writing on my blog again. It's interesting how getting all this down just helped me calm down and realize there is a way out of this mess. Blogging always makes me feel better, I really don't know why I don't do it more often.

Thanks for reading to the end, and I'm sorry this was a lengthy post, but I had to get it off my chest, get it on "paper," I mean screen, and feel better about myself.
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